


Ghost I'm left With

by Canadian_Alygator



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Action, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Angst, Betrayal, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Depression, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Grey Wardens, Idiots in Love, Love Triangles, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Revenge, Romance, Smut, Survivor Guilt, The Blight, Trauma, Violence, War, Warden Cousland (Dragon Age), familial death, traumatic loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:15:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24643909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canadian_Alygator/pseuds/Canadian_Alygator
Summary: A fathers dying wish compels her to keep going even when the weight of the world falls on her shoulders. Holding a well of sorrow that goes deep, and no time to truly grieve, Imogen Cousland left her home. Left it's halls and stones drenched in the blood of those she loved and cared for. The people she'd failed. Thrown into the center of the blight, she will learn more of betrayal. But perhaps in the darkest of hours, the brightest of loves can bloom.
Relationships: Alistair & Female Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/Female Cousland (Dragon Age), Alistair/Female Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/Warden (Dragon Age)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	1. Drag Me Deeper

“ **Fergus.** **_Trust_ ** **me brother. I jest and joke. But I will keep them safe. They’ll all be fine. I promise.** ” She had given her world. Her honor despite her being bitter over being left behind while he got to go to glorious war with the darkspawn. 

“ **Imogen. If there ever is someone I trust to keep my son and darling wife safe… Our mother - it is you. Now I will deny it if anyone ever asks, but you are the superior fighter between us. They are in capable hands. I love you sister. And I will miss you.** ” 

If only he’d known - known how extremely she would fail him. How meaningless her promises would be in the end. Howe had betrayed them all. The sounds of his men beating against their gates - and the sounds of men fighting in the streets.

He’d want to see her dead for how miserably she’d failed. For his son lay dead in his room, next to his mother - Fergus wife.Having bled out holding her sons corpse before Gen had even awakened. That their guests blood painted the floor stones of their home. The people that had served them - been like family - for years… Like nugs to slaughter. 

That their father lay in a growing pool of his own blood. She had fought alongside their mother to find him. They had gathered the family sword… That fucking sword. If they had not… Perhaps they would have found father sooner…

More of the crimson slipped through his fingers as he clutched his gut. So close to freedom… The exit was so close… “ **I’m not going to make it, pup. You have to leave me here. If it wasn’t for the Grey Warden, Duncan, I’d already be in Andraste’s embrace my girl. I’ll be there soon.** ”

Nothing in her wanted to believe his words. That even though he was here now. Still breathing, he was dead. That his body just hadn’t caught up to reality yet, “ **I will not just… leave you behind father! I will drag you out of here if I have to!** ” 

“ **Then you’ll have to be willing to leave pieces of me behind, my darling girl,** ” even now as he lay in the pooling of his own blood, rocking in pain - holding to keep what was inside him from spilling out. 

“ **Bryce - my love. This is no time to joke. We can go - we can get out of here…** ”

“ **And what, my darling wife? Leave a clear path to us marked out by my own blood?** ” Her mother cradled her dying father. Tears stung at the back of her eyes. She fought them back with rage, indignation.

“ **I will kill him! I will make Howe pay! I will pull his own guts from him and shove them back down his treacherous throat!** ” Still. She wanted to will her father to live. To keep going. Maybe - maybe they could find a healer? 

“ **Then you have to live, my girl. You have to survive. You will not if you stay… You’re truly a great warrior my little pup… But even you cannot defeat all of Howes men,** ” his strength fading. Face so pale. He looked so small. Her father always seemed so large. His personality had a way of making him bigger than he was. He filled a room. Now it felt like the room would swallow him. 

“ **Then I’ll kill as many as I can before I fall,** ” she snarled. Guilt racking her heart with each beat. 

The door opened and the Grey Warden, Duncan entered… “ **Ser Duncan - Please… Take my wife and daughter from here. Keep them safe - keep them alive…** ” 

“ **I am not leaving you father! You’ll be fine… You have to be…** ” for all her ferocity in conversations past insisting she was no child. She felt like a scared child in that moment. 

“ **I cannot lie to you pup. I will not lie to you. I am dying. And my dying wish is for you to live, my girl. Would you deny your own father his dying wish?** ” She could feel the blood wet muzzle of Badb pressed against her and whimpering. Feeling the anguish of her owner. She couldn’t answer her father. But he knew he would be forcing her to flee the battle. 

Duncan spoke then, “ **I can help them get free of this… But I am afraid I will need something in return…** ” Her father and the Grey Warden seemed to have come to some unspoken understanding… They nodded at each other, “ **this tragedy is but a whisper next to the roar of the rising blight. I must leave with what I came for. I am - sorry it has come to this.** ”

She frowned, “ **what does that mean?** ” 

“ **You will join the Grey Wardens… The king will ensure vengeance comes for what Howe has done. It may seem insensitive, even cruel of me. I understand. But this is a tragedy that pales to what is coming. Countless families will be snuffed out. Innocents slaughtered… The blight threatens more than … than one family.** ” 

Her teeth ground, “ **my duty is to avenge my family.** ” Raw and agonized was her voice. 

“ **Pup…** ” she could barely look at her father, already having an idea of what he would say, “ **it is your duty to me, to your family, to yourself, to answer this call. Duncan is right…My girl - my pride. Go and forge your path. You’ve been called to a great cause. You will not fail. My faith in you decrees it.** ” her mother sobbed as she pulled him in closer. 

A tear fell down her face as she angrily brushed it away, “ **don’t put your faith in me… Fergus…** ” 

“ **This is not on you my girl. If it should rest on any - it is I,** ” so much blood - how did a man have so much blood in him? It oozed still from between his fingers. His eyes looked like he fought to keep them open… “ **Now please… Go… Duncan… Take…. Taken them.** ” 

Her father was trying to show as little of the agony and fear he felt, Duncan’s hand rested on her shoulders and she hadn’t the strength to shake him off, “ **for you father. I will.** ”

“ **Take our daughter-** ” this was her mothers teary words now, “ **you take my girl and you get her out of here. I will have her live Grey Warden. Or I will find a way to come back and haunt you. Maker hear me. I will… But my place is by my husbands side… In life - what a wonderful life it has been - and in death. I will kill every bastard that comes through these doors. I will give you time…** ”

“ **Mother.. I-** ” _I can’t lose both of you_ . “ **Please - you must come.** ”

The sound of the gates falling. The sound of fighting. Ser Gilmore - it wouldn’t be long for him. If he even still lived. And the others. Her heart broke further. She never knew it possible for a heart to break so completely - and be broken yet again. 

Her mother shook her head, “ **go, Genny. And maker watch you my darling. I would have you live. And I will do what any mother should. Fight to protect you, to give you a chance…** ”

“ **I am - sorry,** ” Duncan spoke to her parents, His hand gently pulled at her to follow, “ **we must go now. The gate has fallen. If we wait - there will be nothing I can do for any of us.** ” 

“ **I love you,** ” her final words to her parents, watching her writhing father… Before finally following the Warden. Running. Her final look behind saw her father stilled. The wail of grief from her mother shook her to the core.

Heavy with grief she left them. But there was no time to mourn.


	2. Social Cues

Growing up she had seen glory in battle. Enthusiastically she had taken to her training. Having found a strong foothold in a more roguish fighting style. Finding it easier in lighter armor. Strike fast. The swift strike of a viper. While Fergus had always been lumbering around in heavier armor and swinging about his heavy swords - Imogen had always detested having to put on heavier armor. Having to hold up a stupid sword and shield. She could do it. 

But she hated it. She loved to have free movement. More open to injury perhaps. But that was if one was too slow. Her father had always laughed and said it was like she engaged in a deadly dance. Gen had learned to take on bigger men. Men with heavier armor. And proved that she was fully capable. 

Yet she never got to truly be in battle. Not like the grand tales of old. The stories her father would tell. When she’d complain - that was when her father would often sober up, telling her how if she never saw war, he would be a happy man. When one was in a war it was all ugliness. That the perfumed stories of heroism came to make living with the haunt of what had to be done in a war livable. It was a violent thing. Violent and ugly. Necessary at times. But not something to rush towards with eager steps.

Still, she’d wished she could truly prove her worth. Her skill… If she could get to a real battlefield - and the complaints she had for her father when he’d told her that Fergus was going to join the king in this glorious battle against darkspawn. And she was to stay and babysit everyone left behind. Maker - she would have done anything to get to be a part of that war. At least that was what she’d thought. 

The maker truly was cruel, for he was granting her wish, the price was one she’d been ill prepared to make. Getting her wish had left her an orphan. Homeless. Walking to join an order of storied warriors… But she was hardly worthy. Guilt steeped in every particle of her being. The lives of every family member fallen, of every servant in her household, of every guest - soldier -  _ friend _ … She felt their corpses upon her back. And their blood thick on her hands.

Each step that she took carried her further away from her home… From her family whom she could not give the burials they deserved… Fearing how their corpses would be treated… Guilt burrowed deeper under her skin. Gnawing at her heart like an army of ravenous insects. Further from the treacherous bastard Howe and the revenge she ached to take. If there was anything that gave her a reason to keep living - aside from her promise - was the desire for revenge.

Mercifully, Duncan did not push conversation on her. Not saying much to her beyond what was necessary. Only really talking more about preparations to become a Grey Warden once they had reached the outskirts of Ostigar. She’d frowned at the mention of ritual. But her mind was still too tangled in her own sorrows to care for more information. Some brief instructions given. “ **_Do - they know?_ ** ” was all she asked, frown furrowing her brow. Duncan understood, “ **I did not tell them. If you would like me to. I will. Not everyone does well with their traumas placed out for all to see.** ” Thanking him. And simply saying enough to confirm she did not wish for the other recruits or the other Wardens here to know of her family. It was difficult enough now. To have people give condolences - to have to talk about all that had happened… She’d avoid it as long as possible.

Upon arriving she got to meet King Cailan - something she’d have been more thrilled about if it hadn’t been under the circumstances that they met. But a bit of hope stirred as he vowed to avenge her family after the battle. She understood why it couldn’t be immediate. As much as her heart wished justice to be done in haste. And she knew chance would most likely have it that her brother was also dead. Howe would not have left anything to chance...

Imogen had been dismissed. Nodding as she’d decided not to waste time. Anything to avoid focusing too long on the seething hate for Howe that stirred in her guts. To ignore the nagging voice whispering in her mind to go seek revenge. Damn the rest. Warring yet with the absolute devastating blow of her mother choosing death over living. Death over living with her…

I shamed the family. I failed them…

Thoughts - to many thoughts. She pressed through the camp, numbness threatening to settle into her bones. Part of her wanted that. The armor of a grey warden drew her attention at last. Speaking with another man. Slowly she approached. Probably looking more like a feral dog than a proper noble woman. Thanks to the scowl on her face.

This was her duty. And she wouldn’t endure the grey wardens for herself. She’d do it all for her father. For her family. Where she might delight in the eavesdropping in a conversation, now she cared for little more than surviving long enough to ensure her family was avenged. And then possibly joining them by the makers side.

She watched the robed man leave and the young grey warden turned as if he’d already been privy to her arrival, “ **you know, one good thing about the blight is how it brings people together…** ”

Imogine usually would have joined in on the sarcasm. Insead she just blinked. The storm inside was too strong to enjoy something so trivial. She just grunted her answer.

He continued to ramble on. While the hint of a smirk was tired and fleeting. He had not failed to amuse her, “ **It's like a party: we could all stand in a circle and hold hands. That would give the darkspawn something to think about.** ” He then stopped, giving what could have been a pointed stare if he hadn’t been so… amused and, “ **Wait... We haven't met, have we? I don't suppose you happen to be another mage?** ”

Her deadpan gaze didn’t really falter though, “ **maybe I am. Perhaps I’ll turn you into a wart covered toad,** ” she’d hardly thought she had sarcasm left in her after everything. Yet it felt like a familiar cloak as she retorted to the man. “ **We haven’t met. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re Alistair?** ”

“ **And that makes you Duncan's new recruit, I suppose? Glad to meet you.** ” He flashed her a impish grin that made her wonder if he took anything seriously, “ **I should have recognized you right away. I apologize.** ”

Her brow creased, “ **how could you possibly recognize me?** ”

“ **Uh you know. Duncan sent word prior to your arrival… Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Alistair, the new Grey Warden, though I guess you knew that…** ” his hand rubbed the back of his neck. She wondered if the look that slid up and down her body was one of appraising her worth as a fighter, or her figure… She was used to being dismissed as a fighter by those whom hadn’t known her growing up. And known her skills. So she assumed the latter. “ **As the junior member of the order, I'll be accompanying you when you prepare for the joining.** ”

“ **Good to meet you Ser Alistair. You can call me Gen,** ” wanted to get on with things. “ **I can’t prepare on my own?** ” 

“ **I know. I felt the same way when I did this. Unfortunately, they don't give us much choice.** ” For only a moment that easy grin left his face, only to be renewed as he started speaking again, “ **You know... It just occurred to me that there have never been many women in the Grey Wardens. I wonder why that is?** ”

Because men liked to think women couldn’t fight. That they were a liability. She’d heard the talk, even if the soldiers at her family estate respected her, and never said anything to her face… She’d heard the talk of their general views on women as fighters.That was their mistake. They looked at her small stature and underestimated her. It worked ever in her favor. Perhaps it wasn't fair that she thought he'd just want women around to warm the bed and hearth rather then beside him in a fight... She couldn't help her mocking tone, " **you want more women in the Warden's do you?** "

He didn't seem phased by the obvious venom that was also in her voice at his words, " **would that be so terrible? Not that I'm some drooling lecher or anything...** " she leveled a look at him, " **please...stop looking at me like that...** " 

“ **So you just want women around to look at, service your cock perhaps?** ” she snarled, cold eyes fixing on him. After everything anger was just so easy to slide back into. 

Alistair lost his grin and shook his head, stumbling over his words, “ **I… No! Of course not. I - uh. Didn’t mean it like that...I- sorry. I guess it did come off like that. I sometimes - rather often - don’t think before I open my mouth. Honestly most of the women in the order could probably all beat the shit out of me…** ” 

_ Stop trying to start fights, Gen. Focus on duty. There will be enough fights in life that come looking for you - don’t waste your time trying to find more. _ She could hear the light scolding from her father. The amusement he often had in his voice at her riling someone else up to duel her. Her heart clenched at the realization that she would never get to hear his voice again. Not truly. It was devastating. And truly she wished she could do whatever preparations alone as she fought to overcome the bite of tears that snarled at the back of her eyes. But she refused to let anyone see her weakness. 

Perhaps desperate to change the subject again, Alistair spoke, “ **So, I'm curious: Have you ever actually encountered darkspawn before?** ”

She hadn’t. But after what she’d seen in the halls of her own home… Seen the dull dead eyes of people that helped raise her - train her. The violated corpses of friends and family… How bad could darkspawn be after that. Alistair was studying her face, she realized. Hoping she hadn’t let her thoughts play out across her face. Shaking her head, “ **I’ve a feeling I’ve seen worse then darkspawn - but no. Have you?** ”

Alistair appeared to be weighing his answer a moment. As if maybe he wanted to press for more information after that. But thankfully he seemed to settle to just answering her own returned question, “ **When I fought my first one, I wasn't prepared for how monstrous it was, I can't say I'm looking forward to encountering another.** ”

“ **Guess I’ll see soon enough,** ” resigned to do what she must until her family was avenged. Then she could attempt perhaps to do as her father wished. To live. Perhaps being with the Grey Wardens wouldn’t be so bad. But still. Life without her family seemed… Worthless. 

“ **Anyhow, whenever you're ready let's head back to Duncan. I imagine he's eager to get things started.** " So was she. Just wishing to get it all over with. 

She almost questioned what the conversation was with the other man. But decided to leave it. Better to just… move on with it. “ **Then let us return to Ser Duncan.** ” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will really get going hopefully with the next chapter. Haha. She's such an angry little bean right now... Understandably. Just having a lot of rolling emotions she's not sure how to control.


End file.
